Part II Sample Scored Essay:  3

Part II.  Question:  Is it important to our society, its history and culture, to preserve musical and dance performances, remnants or records of human ingenuity or craftsmanship, photographs and works of art or literature?

Our Past

                Our society is built upon the issues of our past.  If the wars, shows, depression, and many other things did not occur then society as we know today would not exist.  By our ancestors and friends of the past preserving their culture in various way we would not know our own history.  Our history and our present is made up of various aspects some of which are musical and dance performances, remnants or records of human ingenuity or craftsmanship, photographs and works of art or literature.

                I belive that’s yes perserving our musical and dance performances of the past is very important to our society, its history and culture.  I think through knowing things of the past can help us to better understand the way of life in history.  Music and dance performances are expressions of art.  They can express customs, the issues, and the way of life.  Through music and dance we can build onto them and create masterpieces.  Like David Carr author of "Mantra for New Orleans: We Will Sing Again" says "New Orleans without zydeco, without jazz, without theater, without dancers, and orchestra players, is just a swamp town with hot summers, bad schools and a lot of mosquitoes.

                The persevation of remnants or records of human ingenuity or craftsmanship can and does play an important role in society, its history and culture.  The discovery of a 45 foot section of stone wall in Manhattan is a good example of how the technology and craftsmanship of the past has effect the technology of today.  "Its one of the most important archaeological discoveries in several decades in New York City," said Adrian Benepe (McGeehan).  This piece of wall can teach historians about life in New York when Britian was in control.  This shows us the abilities that the people in the past had, it shows us how things were made and how our society has progressed.  So yes it would be very important to perserve.

                I believe that photographs, and works of art or literature is important to perserve be it gives us a direct picture of history either through explaining it, or by actually catching the situation.  Mr. Calhoun and Ms. McCormick captured pictures of life in a small town, Professor Brinkley at Tulane University explains their photos by saying its "mico-encapsulating a vanishing culture" (Sontag).  Photographs capture life and hold it forever.  The photographs, works of art, and literature allow us to escape to the past.  They depict events that may have caused a major change in our history, or they may just show life either way it allows us to feel as though we were actually there.

                The history of our culture has many parts and too this day may still be unknown but by preserving it we are able to better understand and build from it, the creation of our society and culture is based on our past.

Strengths:  The writer directly addresses the question and supports his answer in three clearly organized sections, with one paragraph about music and dance, one paragraph about “human ingenuity or craftsmanship,” and a third paragraph about photographs.  He incorporates references to two readings, using both “running” and parenthetical citation styles. 

Weaknesses:  The writer develops his response entirely from the source material, without adding any information from previous knowledge or his own experience.  The argument is not convincingly developed.  The writer’s first point is about the importance of preserving “musical and dance performances,” but the quotation from David Carr intended to support that point is about the importance of music and dance to the city of New Orleans; it is not about the importance of preserving our musical heritage.  Similarly, his point in the next paragraph, that the wall discovered beneath Manhattan “is a good example of how the technology and craftsmanship of the past has [a]ffect[ed] the technology of today” is not supported by the rest of the paragraph.  The archaeological discovery may show “how things were made” in the past, but it does not necessarily show how past technology has affected current technology.  The essay has a number of technical errors, more serious than misspelling:   

·         Awkward syntax:  By our ancestors and friends of the past preserving their culture in various way we would not know our own history.  [If our ancestors and friends of the past had not preserved their culture, we would not know our own history.]

·         Awkward syntax: 
I think through knowing things of the past can help us to better understand the way of life in history. 
[I think knowing things of the past can help us to better understand the way of life in history. 
Or:  Through knowing things of the past, we can better understand the way of life in history.]

·         Subject-verb agreement problem:  Our history and our present is made up of various aspects. . . . 
[Our history and our present are made up of various aspects. . . .]

·         Subject-verb agreement problem:  I believe that photographs, and works of art or literature is important to perserve be it gives us a direct picture of history. . . . 
[I believe that photographs and works of art or literature are important to preserve because they give us a direct picture of history. . . .]

·         Run-on sentence:  They depict events that may have caused a major change in our history, or they may just show life either way it allows us to feel as though we were actually there. 
[They depict events that may have caused a major change in our history, or they may just show life.  Either way, they allow us to feel as though we were actually there.]

·         Comma splice:  Mr. Calhoun and Ms. McCormick captured pictures of life in a small town, Professor Brinkley at Tulane University explains their photos by saying its "mico-encapsulating a vanishing culture" (Sontag). 
[Mr. Calhoun and Ms. McCormick captured pictures of life in a small town.  Professor Brinkley at Tulane University explains their photos by saying they are “mico-encapsulating a vanishing culture” (Sontag).]

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